You know what I really fear? Like, truly down to my core? That I’m not good enough. I made a post sort of about that recently, but today I’ve been face to face with that fear. You know what? I would rather face a room full of Aragorn sized spiders(what up Harry Potter reference!) than deal with the knowledge that I’m not good enough.
I spent 4 and half years getting to this point where I could follow my dreams and here I am and what if I’m not good enough?
I’ve recorded my air checks, I’m working on a head shot, and I’ve edited my resume until I can’t stand to look at it anymore. The only thing left is to send it all in. But once I do that, I’ve done all I can. The information is in their hands and either I’m good enough or I’m not.
That’s effing terrifying!
I could have wasted thousands of dollars and 4 and a half years on a career for which I may not be good enough. I’m officially jumping on the college-is-pointless train. At least until I get a job…
/end quarter-life crisis rant
Something you may notice about my life if you know me in person is that I love Harry Potter. One of my tattoos is an HP reference, my car tag is an HP reference, and 80% of the tshirts I wear include an HP reference. My twitter handle is Just Becca, and it’s sort of a reference to when Hagrid tells Harry he’s a wizard. Harry says, “But I can’t be a wizard. I’m just Harry.” But it’s also sort of a reference to a battle I fight every day.
I don’t think of myself as anything extraordinary. I have pretty days, but I’m not beautiful. I have moments where I seem really smart, but I’m not incredibly intelligent. I can be sorta funny, but I’m not hilarious. I’m nothing special. I’m just me. And in the terms of this world, that will never be enough. I will never be enough by this world’s standards.
Because I’m nothing special, and I am fully aware of this, it’s really easy to let demons in that take it to the extreme. Especially when those demons show up as real live people that say real live things like, “You’re such a fat ass.” or “I wish you’d kill yourself.”
But the demons in my mind are the worst, I think, because my brain is super logical. They’re the ones that convince me that I’m not just “not beautiful,” I’m repulsive. They convince me that I’m not just “sorta funny,” I’m ridiculous and making myself look like an idiot for trying. They’re the ones that convince me that side glances mean someone has noticed yet another flaw.
The thing is, these are just demons. Because I am beautifully flawed. And I wasn’t made for this world. So I can be just Becca in this world, and that’s totally fine because in the one after this, I will be extraordinary.